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It’s a sobering realisation when you finally come to accept that certain limits are inherent in yourself. They beyond your control in an absolute way. I do not mean external aspects, the external world is hard to even pretend to comprehend at the best of times, but when these things relate to you, to your own outlook and your own perceptions, you perceive that you have some sovereignty over them. You damn well ought to be able to control your own reactions and thinking, you ought to….

But like I’ve said I’ve come to the realisation that certain things are exempt from this. There are hard internal limitations, which far overawe the pragmatic boundaries of the external world that I can accommodate with a smile or at least a mental shrug. The iniquities of the world I can accept, the failings of my own mind and personality are unacceptable.

My real reason in starting a blog all so long ago, well a few months at any rate, was to ponder and pontificate upon friendship and my reaction to it, and hopefully by analysis change in my outlook, to be more embracing and open, more aware I feel compelled now to put on the record that this has failed, that no matter how I try and notwithstanding my effectiveness in compelling it from my subconscious and into the active forefront of my mind, that my perceptions remain immutable.

My initial position was, and it still does remain that I do like, or at least don’t mind people. Most people are fundamentally good. One person or two people at a time I can deal with. It is only when this number goes up, that the number of strangers spring into groups and the newness becomes in a way overwhelming that I want to step out and step away. It almost feels like my system becomes overloaded, there is too much difference, too many new people. It feels like I’ve been put into a forced situation where I don’t know what is going on, where there is a feeling of alienation coupled with the feeling that I don’t belong at all where I am. It doesn’t matter what the surrounding is, you can in fact do it in what I consider my own home, and I will be equally off put and out of place. It’s a strange feeling, especially because I know that with a bit of effort I could effectively mask it, I can be pleasant (well at least I think so) and sociably polite, talk with the purpose of getting to know people but in my depth I do not want to be here at all. It’s a sea change of hypocrisy that I can’t bring myself to reconcile myself to , and consequently makes me act like I don’t want to.

Do you just live with such internal hypocrisy? Do you strive to change them, and struggle in something that you know in the end that you will not persevere with, or even worse that where failure seems inevitable? I couldn’t properly begin to even give answers; all I know is that for my purposes it seems life now is just about living somehow with my limitations without even beginning to even consider how to change them.



    • Anonymous
    • Posted October 22, 2005 at 11:24 pm
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    I have no answers .. at least not at the moment. I just wanted to empathize. Reading your blog reminded me of our conversation a couple of months ago in pacific coffee, about my reactions to different people and wanting to overcome those .. Sometimes i think life is quite cyclical, and it is interesting to see how we end up at the same and yet different places ..

    • Dom
    • Posted October 29, 2005 at 12:40 am
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    I can only think of too many limitations I have…some I tried to change in the past, some I’m still trying. I think limitations are inevitable. You can’t expect wings to start growing out of your back so you can start flying. Therefore life is a matter of coping with these limitations. As for the friendship thing, well it’s hard to change your personality. There is also the question whether you should change yourself. Will the new you still be you?

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