The thin line between credibility and incredibility has become something of a resurgent issue, having been cast into my face by the realities of being back in Hong. A certain individual who wields considerable power and has great status has committed himself to actions that in my eyes have destroyed all his credibility and have made me very dubious and very cynical of him, his actions, his motives and abilities.
What I am interested in looking at is the nature of my reaction, especially since the rest is beyond my ability to control.
My reaction has gone quickly and progressively from disbelief to anger to indignation to a cold smouldering anger, which I fear will calcify. I am required by the canons of good behaviour to act in a cordial and respectful manner; indeed would not really contemplate acting in any other manner. At the same time, I have confined him to be treated very lightly in my eyes. I will have no truck or commerce with him beyond that which I am required. I do not believe anything he tells me, and certainly do not presume its truth or validity without assiduous, independent verification on my part. There is a gap between his self-perceived credibility with me and his actual credibility with me that is as wide as oceans and as equally deep and irreconcilable.
I perceive that it is the sum of his actions, some directed at me, some at my friends, some generally that push me to reach this opinion of him, yet I am not sure that such hostility of heart can be justified by the actions done to a third party, especially the collective third party.
In fact I don’t see how this vast gap can be reconciled at all without a major turnabout from one party. Now since the other party does not seem aware that there is an issue at play, and I have no inclination to tell him, a rather tense problem perpetuates that is unlikely to be solved by anything but the passage of time. Now how much time that must be I’m unaware but I do feel that it will be a long time before I come to my sense and am willing to let it go, it certainly will not be happening swiftly and will require considerable thought and concern on my part.
What worries me more about this is how willing I am to be duplicitous in this respect, to be generous in appearance with him and equally cool and contemptuous when the distance is great. Now I accept there are realities that mitigate this by demanding that they be adhered to, and I am unable to skirt these realities without bringing ill consequences on others that I do not wish to be the cause of. At the same time, I doubt this sense of ‘two-faced ‘ness will be harmoniously reconciled within me, and in all reality I am likely to blame this person for the tension he has caused in me as much as his initial errors which are probably by comparison of minor importance and certainly not worth the amount of calcification of the heart that is being bought about. Such obvious realpolitik is not something I am willing to engage in without considerable reflection, yet I am forced to engage in it, for the sake of position and harmony.
I grown hard hearted and ill inclined to what may be good and what may be beneficial, but I cannot see that I am truly in the wrong and since I am only a pawn in the game, I will suffice to keep my public silence. But there are no pawns in life, and every pawn may one day promote, bringing with it consequences that were not thought of when they were originally so callously treated.
I will watch and wait. I fear that in some way I may have just committed myself to anger and revenge. But at the same time I do not resile from that. Be that as it may.