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I have a tendency to performance. I have a sensation that I am coming to realise something here that I did not come to realise before. This explains much of what I found myself doing and perhaps where I want to go with things.

I am referring to the desire that I have for public approbriation and performance. It is a rather recurring theme if you wish to look at it with an extended perspective. MUN, is ultimately a public speaking event, you go out and talk, the centre of attention and the focus of all events. People listen as you speak, you feel the nervous tension, that anxiety that adheres to all public performance, and I get a rush out of it. This rush is perhaps the closest thing to an adrenaline rush that I ever got on a regular basis. The performance, the style and the theatrics, to play with words and attack or defend a position.

In jumaat (functions at the mosque) that incredible ego rush and power trip of performance is there. And it’s perhaps the reason I’ve been holding back for the last few months from doing anything. I’ve conquered that arena and I’m not really fussed whether I recite or not.

Three months ago during Rajab, when I was the front line in a very real sense, above men who are many years my senior was perhaps the pinnacle of this feeling so far; the tremendous showing off that was dass surat with its casual performance that was almost contemptuous excellence; all done above many who are my senior, those who by right should have the performance I was putting on. In a sense these are moments that I get an incredible ego rush out off. They are the culmination of the expectation, the central position and the rising to meet the challenge without really feeling stretched, in a publicly casual manner that I loved. I loved upstaging people, defying expectation, and accomplishing something dramatic in the centre. It’s an almost palpable feeling of “I showed them”. And perhaps a malicious undercurrent of “I am better then you. Watch me prove it.”

It also translates into what I want to do. A barrister is inevitable theatricality, its a performance, verbal, that is about conveying information while occupying the central position in a ritual theatre that defines justice in dozens of countries. The desire again is to take that central stage and dominate it in a casual and commanding manner, that artfully conceals the hours of painstaking preparation and planning to win the adulation of the world. This desire to transcend, excel and to bask in the limelight, without an ounce of effort being apparent is what I want. And it explains a lot.