Skip navigation

Lister: Sometimes, I think it´s cruel giving machines a personality. My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with Artificial Intelligence. ´Smart Shoes´ they were called. It was a neat idea. No matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got rattled one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, his shoes got bored going from his local to his flat. They wanted to see the world, you know. He had a hell of a job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them to, they´d show up again the next day. He tried to shut them out, but they just kicked the door down.
Rimmer: Is this true?
Lister: Yeah. The last thing I heard, they sort of… robbed a car and
drove it into a canal. They couldn´t steer, you see.
Rimmer: Really?
Lister: Yeah. Petersen was really, really blown away about it. He went to see a priest. The priest told him… he said it was alright and all that, when shoes are happy that they´d get into heaven. You see, it turns out shoes have ´soles´.
Rimmer: Ah, what a sad story. Wait a minute.
[Thinks for a minute]
Rimmer: How did they open the car door?

________________________________________________________________________________________

[about art college]
Lister: They had lectures like first thing in the afternoon. We´re
talking half past twelve every day. Who´s together by then? You
can still taste the toothpaste

________________________________________________________________________________________

 

[On the two fighters tracking Red Dwarf]
Holly 1: They´re from Earth.
Lister: That´s 3 million years away.
Holly 1: They´re from the Norweb Federation.
Lister: What´s that?
Holly 1: The North Western Electricity Board. They want you, Dave.
Lister: Me? Why? What for?
Holly 1: For your crimes against humanity.
Lister: You what?
Holly 1: It seems when you left Earth, 3 million years ago, you left 2 half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen. Do you know what happens to sausages left unattended for 3 million years?
Lister: Yeah, they go mouldy.
Holly 1: Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eights of the Earth´s surface. Also, you left £17.50 in your bank account. Thanks to compound interest, you now own 98% of all the world´s wealth. And because you´ve hoarded it for 3 million years, nobody´s got any money except for you and Norweb.
Lister: Why Norweb?
Holly 1: You left a light on in the bathroom. I´ve got a final demand
here for £180 billion.
Lister: £180 billion? You´re kidding?
Holly 1: (Wearing a silly face mask) April fool.

________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Okay Enough from me. Read many more here.

Advertisements