The PCLL started this week.
Induction day, welcoming speeches, inane prize ceremonies and rambling presentations. Rambling and factually wrong presentations. Long winded talks that try to justify the program structure, and why it has to be done the way it is.
The don’t realize we don’t care. We don’t care what obstacles they put in our way at this stage. We’ll find a way around them and we’ll pass. Like Hannibal’s armies bestride the Alps, we’ve come too far to flee.
At this particular moment though, despite dire warnings of difficulty, I don’t trouble to take my brain out of first gear. It wouldn’t be worth the effort. There hasn’t been anything that demanding.
No doubt by next week, I’ll be inundated with work and this will look like the height of folly. Perhaps it is. Undoubtedly it is. I hope it is.
I have a low tolerance for inaction. This forced stillness, waiting for things to begin is intolerable. I don’t have the patience to wait for events. I want to seize events by the scruff of their neck and force them to happen.
I no longer have patience.
Those stalling tactics of old; hours spent playing computer games and reading books, singularly fail to grab me. They exert a few moments, a passing pleasant taste of interest that might last two minutes or three. Then it is cast aside, disjointed words and random letters, random actions in a fake world.
I’m waiting for something substantial to take their place.
I want to be challenged. Not by my own pace. Not by my own mind. Not this mental masturbation of improvement for improvement’s sake. I want to be pushed, pushed because what I need to be pushed to become matters. Pushed in a context where the results matter. Into a state where I must grow or fail. The kind of challenge that turns caterpillars into butterflies. I crave metamorphosis.
I don’t want a social challenge. I don’t want a physical challenge. I want an intellectual one. I want to push my mind. I want to distort my intellectual world. I want to bend the bars of my mind.
I don’t know what I’m going to do if the PCLL doesn’t provide.