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Yesterday evening, I had the honour and the responsibility of saying nabi na naam. And I say that because I’m expected to say it, not because it felt that way.

It’s hard to understand why something I’d looked forward to in previous years, and believed would be a great honour and pleasure, was such a bleak experience.

I have some ideas why. One part is that I no longer have the thirst or the desire to be involved in the public performance aspect of religious life. I don’t care whether I’m involved in public ritual and public performance.

My desire for public performance and public speaking has been amply satisfied through Jessup, and so  neglected on the religious front that I no longer expect, and have no interest as a result, in that part of my life. That desire for public recognition and public glory, doesn’t  move me the way it used to.

It stopped being fun. Hunaid mentioned to me how he still practices because he enjoys it so much. I don’t feel that anymore.

This is doubly the case in relation to religion. As I’ve matured, I’ve felt that the direction my religiosity has taken is to move away from the external manifestation of religion and to turn inwards to the belief system and value core that support it. The public manifestation of that is irrelevant and irreverent.

The second part is that I know, well believe, but I’m pretty sure that ‘know’ is not far from the right word, that this is part of a cynical bargain. I don’t believe for a moment that this was conferred as an honour or as a responsibility. I have every belief that it was conferred as a bargaining chip and as a means of exerting pressure later down the line. It will be used as a ‘remember when I did this for you?’ tool.

Its hard to accept that these are the only reasons. I’m  sure there are many more, and I suppose its the nature of being human that I’m not aware of all the reasons that guide my own actions and form my own feelings.

What I know is that when I was offered the chance to say nabi na naam my reaction was “yeah, okay, whatever.” If it hadn’t obviously meant so much to my dad, I might have declined. I’ve learned, that when your attitude towards something you should want is to shrug your shoulders, and feel nothing, you don’t want it, and even if you do want it a little, you don’t want it enough.

I’ve learned recently, and learned before that in Jessup, that when you want something, every fibre of your being, every ounce of your energy is directed towards wanting. You feel it in every step, every bounce, every breath. It is a dull ache in every moment of every day. When it matters, it matters all the time.

This didn’t matter at all.

It showed. I didn’t practice much, I didn’t prepare much, I didn’t try to work on what I know was the obvious weakness in my performance (breath control). It didn’t deserve that kind of dedication.

Then to crown it off, I had a moment that made me froth with anger.

It was said to me that I should not be offended if Hunaid gets given a privilege ahead of me, that I should learn to accept that decision, and that I should not listen to other people who would suggest to me that this was not right.

How could he dare suggest that I resent the achievement, of my brother! Of someone that is closer to me than flesh and blood! Who does he think he is!

I’ve tolerated his continued attempts to manipulate me and to check up on me through the most important bond and friendship in my life. To twist and pervert something that predates him by 20 years to his own ends. I’ve felt plenty of righteous anger at that self serving behaviour.

I disagree with the way he conducts  many things. It was abstract, it was about approaches and philosophy and attitude.

Now it’s personal.

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One Comment

    • anon
    • Posted September 29, 2008 at 12:45 pm
    • Permalink

    Forgiveness…
    easier said than done…
    sometimes we just can’t forget, we just can’t forgive…
    Forgiving is Not about being nice to the other person or understanding or tolerating what he/she has done

    it’s about letting yourself go, free from those emotions, so that your soul may be at peace.

    it’s extremely difficult, but when i too so desperately want TO BE forgiven by others, i find it easier to forgive those who have angered or hurt me


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  1. By A Postscript « A Disorganised Mind on 29 Sep 2008 at 11:46 pm

    […] A Disorganised Mind « An Empty Experience […]

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