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There are two kinds of quiet. One is the quiet of peace and contentment, the quiet that forms in a still moment and is a deep contentment that pervades every nook of the soul. The kind that forms when you sit in a warm window on a cold rainy day, and stare out at all eternity.

That is not my quiet. I have an unsettling gnawing quiet. A quiet that has no reason and gives no answers.

It is a sense of anticipation and waiting. I don’t know what I ‘m waiting for, but that doesn’t change the feeling. It never does. It’s strange when you recognise a feeling familiar;  a bitter echo of past feelings; each unsatisfying.

The disquiet stems from no source. One source, many sources and no source. It’s hard to be precise about something so amorphous.

Part of it, as James alluded, is that I don’t have much to do. My deficiency, my failing, in my current stage of life is my marriage to purpose. And the absence of purpose from my waking working day I feel very lost. This feeling of being adrift assists the disquiet.

I should know better; I do know better. Its foolish to look for purpose from paid work. The greatest trick you can play on yourself is to seek your purpose from the directions of others. This isn’t the source of purpose, and it never will be.

Knowing better isn’t the same as feeling better or being better. Its strange how our emotional state can override our rational state every time. We can think anything, do anything, dream anything but feelings – ah feelings are not in our domain. You may try to think yourself happy but that is not the natural order of things. That’s why the quote books are so quick to warn that people may forget what you say but they’ll never forget how you make them feel.

Ah the obvious solution! If purpose is lacking then I must find purpose outside of work, there is a wide world outside the office doors. Go seek from there purpose. It must be the case that of all the purposes this planet offers one will be perfect.

That solution underestimates the disquiet’s power and potency. It always triumphs. It is the powerful sensation of waiting for purpose to arrive. That purpose is just around the corner, if I’ll wait just long enough. It is a sense of anticipation and waiting. I don’t know what I‘m waiting for or if will ever arrive, but that doesn’t change the feeling.

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